Flickers of Greatness

After months of hard work overcoming plateaus, once in a while there is a brilliant flicker of greatness. Anybody who has played a sport or competitive game seriously knows what I am talking about.

My mind is quiet, patiently waiting for the game to begin. I am deep into the rank of grandmaster playing against the best in the country.

I am the wildcard: the playmaker or play loser. If the stakes get into my head, this game is as good as over. Today my heart beats gently without fear or doubt. This is my moment.

The count ticks down

3… 2… 1…

Instantly the floodgates of destruction unleash with a thunderous roar. My steps leave behind an untouchable 50 foot blaze from hell. Headshot after headshot the enemy’s position crumbles under my might.

This isn’t a typical match for me, but I can’t become surprised or else the spell will break. In this instance I am not even thinking about thinking. I just am.

The enemy changes strategy and sends everything they’ve got after me. But I saw them coming from miles away. This 6v6 match became an unscheduled 1v6 beatdown. It was one highlight reel after another. Maybe for a second, I was the best player in the world.

I’m a pro-gamer whose career never started. I am retired, washed up, whatever you want to call me. But for a brief year or two, I was trying to be the best. That didn’t happen, but I did end up becoming pretty damn good.

Most mortals will taste the divine only a handful of times in their lifetime. I am a humble mortal like anybody else. But when the stars align, be it practice, luck, focus, and determination, like during that game of mine, it is something special.

I used to believe that these flickers of greatness were a sign for something. That this was something I was meant to do with my life and work even harder for. The Question I have always asked myself: is it worth the cost? What will being great cost me? Will it consume me? Because becoming the best requires sacrifice and it is almost always time. Without time, health, family and relationships, or the future are at risk. This isn’t something that can be cheated. Nobody can have it all forever. But for a brief period, with varying duration, we can all experience greatness. How long can I tolerate being great?

After my year of “pro-gaming”, I realized that this was as far as I could go. I am not cut out for the stress of always being at peak performance. I am not cut out to play 6+ hours a day while I am in still in school. This might not even be a career if the video game company goes under. Any further would have meant shutting the door on everything else I had going for me. At a certain point I knew that I had peaked. Everything would be downhill from here.

Today my skills are relatively unremarkable. Except every now and then, a flicker of greatness shows itself once more. The sleeper-agent within me wakes up to deliver one more performance to the world, at least my own world.

Instead of feeling sadness, I now see these moments for what they are. I can relive this dream of mine. For a brief moment, I can imagine myself sitting on that stage after clutching up the match and the fans going bonkers. I can enjoy the moment without the costly drudgery of greatness. I know I’m not risking my love of the game.

Greatness is a decision with great consequences. It must be a conscious decision because it is a constant uphill battle. The stakes will only become higher and the competition will be getting younger and fiercer. Greatness is not something that can be sustained indefinitely. But anybody can have moments of greatness no matter how far removed they are from their peak. And I believe those are the moments worth living for.