Staircases

I see so many people who look completely sure of themselves that I can’t help but wonder what I’m doing wrong. No matter how much more skillful, confident, or experienced I become, I feel like I will never be good enough. I worry that I won’t ever be “happy” and “fulfilled” because everyone else seems to have gotten the memo except me.

The entire situation feels comically ironic because it’s all a never-ending staircase to nowhere. You look up to the person on the stair above yours who seems to have it all, feeling demoralized and lost, until you realize they’re doing the same damn thing. The person at the top has it the worst. There’s nothing left to look up to but down… the fall.

I think there is solace in recognizing the absurdity of the situation. We’re never going to be happy by comparing ourselves to others. The secret sauce to fulfillment and actually understanding why we’re here and what we’re meant to do is non-existent. If anyone says otherwise, I’m sorry to say, but they probably drank the Kool-aid and are stuck on the staircase as we speak. Then there are the people who deliberately mislead and bring down others, trying to reach the top at any cost.

In fact, I’m probably drinking the Kool-aid myself. I know this post sounds hypocritical because in writing about this topic I’ve made it seem like I “discovered” some kind of secret knowledge when I’m really arguing for the opposite. It’s impossible for my argument not to contradict itself, and I don’t think there’s any way to avoid it, but I want to make clear that you, me, or anybody on the staircase, are not that different from each other.

Life is the constant state of not knowing what the fuck we’re doing. I don’t know why the hell I’m writing this post. I don’t know how to communicate the fact that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Life is one series of whys and hows ending in one massive question mark.

We all want answers telling us what to do next because answers are comfortable, but we’re holding our breath for something that will never come. Life will always be uncertain, yet it presents you with decision after decision. Even when we think we know what we’re doing, we couldn’t be farther from the truth, but it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not know what we’re doing because nobody does. We’re all struggling with the same things, trying to escape the various staircases of our life and make the best of what we’ve got.