The unreasonable effectiveness of want

I used to believe that the key to success was unyielding concentration and laser focus. That may work for some people, but that makes me deeply unhappy. It is not a recipe for my happiness. Abandoning everything for the outcome of one thing is a pressure cooker waiting to burst. I’m a firm believer in small wins. Small, consistent gains. The math is in my favor. Success is showing up. While sprints require unmistakable proof and product. Otherwise, what justifies the frantic pace and mania in getting things done?

When the minimum for success is so low, it’s easy to surpass expectations. Momentum grows. Inertia becomes my friend, not my enemy. It propels me on days I’m not feeling it. Make the goals so easy that it’s virtually impossible to fail and easy to pick back up. Even with this powerful strategy, how do I get myself to do the things I’ve wanted to do? The first step is actually wanting it.

If I really wanted something, I would have done something about it by now. What I actually did is a different story. I wanted to play video games or scroll Reddit all day. Telling myself I’m going to quit social media because I will be happier is a command, not an invitation. We are more likely to respond positively to a request than to a demand. But why am I even demanding this of myself in the first place?

I’ve read more self-help books than I can count. When I asked one of my friends why he stopped reading them, he said something along the lines of “there’s nothing of value for me”. My gut reaction said this couldn’t be true. Surely a new tool to help me address my cognitive biases can only help. And the more I thought about it, he’s kind of right. Once I reached a certain level of self awareness, awareness stops being the issue, and lack of doing is.

It is one thing to logically understand facts that we all know and should do something about. We can be aware of every single consequence and still do it anyway. Social media can lead to depression. Depression bad. No depression good. Cool ranch Doritos bad for gut. Cool ranch Doritos very yummy now. Igniting fossil fuels very very bad. But fossil fuels make us go very fast now.

Self-help in the popular culture seems to be the art of bargaining with myself to do things other people think I should do and I really don’t want to do. I seem to have trouble tricking myself into doing things I absolutely despise. The activity of self-help can feel like self-betrayal. The same feeling when friends stage an intervention. Or discovering I’m the getaway driver for a friend’s bank heist right as the police are heading my way. There is no choice. No escape.

Sometimes a lack of choice can be a good thing. It makes thinking about more important matters easier. But it is a tool that should be used sparingly. After all, who would want to have an entire day of activities you coerced yourself into doing? A lack of choice is a precision strike into a bad habit, not a substitute for motivation.

It is easy to conflate the difficulty of starting a new habit with the difficulty of coercing myself into something. Making change is hard. But I can say confidently, it is so so much easier if you genuinely believe in it.

So you are probably thinking to yourself, “Great. Thanks for the advice captain obvious” And rightfully so. This guy must think I don’t want my goals. That isn’t true. I believe you think you want your goals. I do the same exact thing. “But Kalin”, you say. “You don’t understand. I am pretty sure I want my raise, buying a Ferrari, and stopping climate change. Who wouldn’t want them?” And that is almost exactly the issue. Who wouldn’t want those things? Everybody wants a Ferrari. Almost nobody would say no if it were free. What I am actually saying is, “I wouldn’t mind a raise, a Ferrari, or stopping climate change”. Is it worth all the extra pain and effort? Probably not for most people.

Wanting something and struggling to find motivation for it is an oxymoron. Both can’t be true. This kind of want is a half-hearted, empty, meaningless inside joke. You know, when pigs fly. Real want is self-propagating. There’s no bickering with myself. I get my ass out the door, and I’m happy to be there. I could be in excruciating pain but be having the time of my life. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

This was a completely foreign concept to me. Until recently. I don’t think I have ever wanted anything so badly until having had terrible back and neck pain for years (8 to be precise). The very act of doing my job as a student worsened my pain, and it occupied most of my conscious hours. Slowly, this pain spiraled and stole things from me. First, it was studying without constant aches. Next was sleep. Then was one physical activity after another. I was practically falling apart physically as well as mentally. Stress worsened with no outlet to release the pent up energy. Everything became harder. I was less mentally stable. And one day, I had fucking enough. Or actually, many days like that. Every day was and is a reminder of pain. And while I may not have been writing on the floor, it was a pain that persisted, aching uncomfortably at all times. No matter what position I contorted myself in. Sitting, laying down, curling up, I existed in a state of discomfort to the point it became my new normal. Relief came in short bursts. The chiropractor would snap me back into place, and for a few hours, the aches subsided into a slight soreness. I would get a glimpse of what life could be like all the time. Until the next day, I’d wake up stiff as a board. Some days, many more than not now, my first thoughts upon waking up aren’t about the baseball knots in my shoulders. Now I gladly go to the gym to prevent the pain. Not only prevent it but also slowly banish it from my body as I get stronger. It’s been 7 months of consistent visits to the gym 2-3 times per week. I’ve honestly stopped keeping track a long time ago. I don’t have a set gym routine or program. I show up, look at what I did last time, make some adjustments, and continue with the workout. If I’m lazy, I don’t even record reps or sets. Already, I have had life-altering results. I’m not only in less pain, but I can do things I never imagined myself capable of a year ago. This week I dead lifted and squatted my body weight. I was in such a rut these eight years that this was something I hadn’t even dreamed of. It’s not hyperbole. I couldn’t even sit in my chair for 30 minutes or get a full night’s sleep without pain, left alone lift the equivalent of myself without pain. Every rep I know exactly why I am there. I am chasing away the ghosts of pain I instinctively feel during the day, or even during my workout. Every workout I felt a little less pain. And a little less. I don’t need to ask myself twice why I’m here. It’s fucking baked into my bones. I will never forget.

My system is flawed. Or lack thereof. I won’t be an Olympian. But it works for me. The thing I can’t quite understand is why this is so successful. I am pretty much doing everything against the book.

The truth is, wanting something so deeply is an unreasonably effective strategy for getting things done. I have no idea how to replicate this. It might inherently be impossible. I can’t convince myself, trick myself, into wanting something like this. This is the kind of want I might consider selling my soul for. And it’s found by looking inside what I truly want. Not what somebody else wants. My being in pain versus not makes virtually no difference to the people around me.

This experience is hard to describe to anybody who has only somewhat wanted things. This is probably difficult to understand for the people who know me personally. People would describe me as very driven and goal-oriented, not somebody who only “somewhat wants things”. Even after all that I have accomplished, my desire to fix my back makes the motivation of any of my other goals pale in comparison. It is the most intense desire you can imagine, and it is impossible to understand until you have had it yourself. It is the same level of desire I have experienced during heartbreak. This is the closest feeling that I think most people can relate to.

Some people’s actions may seem insane on the surface. But to them, they are perfectly sane in light of their experiences. David Goggins comes to mind. His experience is so hardcore that it is unfathomable. What could compel somebody to abuse their body in such a way? But his actions start to make sense when you consider his origin story. Going back to the person he was, the overweight loser, is a pain far greater than running an ultramarathon. His actions make sense once I stop trying to observe his actions using my value system. To me, it’s insane. But it is less insane when I know that I will never understand because I am not him.

I still have so many questions within myself after my personal experience battling back pain. How is it that only now I am discovering this depth of want? Did I actually want the things I thought I did? Or are these “wants” only convenient constructions around my identity? I’m coming to the realization I might not know myself as much as I thought I did.

Doing things isn’t so hard. It shouldn’t be so hard if it doesn’t have to be. And by hard, I don’t mean painless. I meant contrary to my nature. It’s possible to want something so deeply but not be able to get it. Certain things are outside of our control. Wanting it won’t change that fact. I was lucky that my pain was caused by nothing serious and is probably completely reversible with enough training. To those in impossible situations with the want, my deepest sympathies. I hope that you may find something in your means to make progress. To everyone, including me, who sees all the amazing people in the world and their wants driving them to incredible heights, don’t try to emulate them. You’ll only end up confusing yourself and your wants with their wants. Live for yourself. Don’t convince yourself into causes you don’t believe in with every fiber of your soul. If you are doubting whether something is a real want, then it likely isn’t. Or at least you have not uncovered the true motivation that compels you. And that’s okay. A passive want can crystallize into a true want. I felt neutral about exercise in the past, but now I’m fired up to go. This isn’t a process I can rush through. A true want has no doubt.

No amount of thought exercises can uncover our true wants. I think this kind of want comes from life experience. It is not cerebral. It is felt. The mind cannot compel the heart. Additionally, my want has to be greater than any possible pain I could endure. If I’ve hit rock bottom where nothing can get worse, any step becomes a step in the right direction.

Feeling is the deepest form of understanding. Or the only understanding that practically matters. It is the only understanding that inspires action, or lack thereof. The truth must be felt to be true.